I’m not *entirely* sure what’s going on in the scene and I find that my concentration is often drifting. There’s a fun “runaway train” set piece that follows, but something about the writing here is too loose. How do these things connect? We’re curious and want to find out. Then we somehow end up with a cowboy in America. I like the contrast inherent in this opening. So that’s where our writer-reader conflict lies. Whereas I like stuff that’s simpler and more focused. As I’ve told Jeff in the past, his only problem is that he wants to include every single idea he can think of. I think he’s won an Amateur Showdown before (Jeff, can you confirm this?). She is cute, crafty, loyal, and has enough attitude for a dozen Awkwafinas.”). He has one of the more unique voices on the site (“An empty bottle of whiskey rolls out of his hand, bumps against the scuffed shoes of a 12-year-old CHINESE GIRL. Logline: In 1877 Turkey, when an American demolitions expert inadvertently unearths a billion dollar treasure coveted by a bloodthirsty Ottoman Queen, he must fight for his own life, and the lives of millions, to stop her from funding an all-out war on an unsuspecting world. If you are interested in ESL help, e-mail me at Stopped: 10 They’re not relevant to the moment and only act to gum up the read. And if I had my choice, I wouldn’t mention either. For example, there’s a line in this script: “Parker is charismatic and Cameron’s team is focused.” These are two separate sentences. Sometimes you’re making creative choices for the writer, and that requires some back and forth, which is time-consuming. Only because I’ve found that it’s not just about fixing grammar. There are people who will fix ESL errors in your script, so that’s an option. I know this is frustrating for ESL writers to hear as they’re probably thinking, “As long as the core of the story is conveyed, it should’t matter if there are grammar or punctual errors.” Yeah but a script is dependent on suspending the reader’s disbelief. The main problem is that the English-second-language issue rears its head so aggressively that the read doesn’t flow. But that didn’t turn out to be the main problem in the script. There isn’t a single element in the logline that feels unique. My big worry going into this (yes, I broke my own rule by reading the logline first) was that it would be too generic. But this didn’t need a two-sentence logline. Or if you’re log-lining a show, which needs a little more explanation. I’m okay with them if you have a really complex world to set up (sci-fi or fantasy). Not easy to do! So let’s start with the obvious. I have mad respect for anyone competing in a contest that isn’t in his native language. And, obviously, English is his second language.
The writer of this script has NINE produced films in Serbia. A call from an FBI agent who masterminded the failed Syrian mission brings him an offer to go to Ukraine as a volunteer and exact revenge on the guy who disgraced him. Logline: After being honorably discharged from the US Special Forces because of a failed mission in Syria, a former Army operator returns home to a country he defended but can’t recognize anymore. And, just as was the case last week, let me know if you disagree with my analysis on any of the entries! Another script got through this week! Keep reading to find out which one. Then I re-evaluate every script that advanced, pick five finalists, and choose a winner. If the script manages to keep me reading all the way to the end of the first act, that script advances to the next round. From there, I keep reading until I get bored. We’re back with seven new First Act entries! If you weren’t around last week, I’m doing a public dissection of First Act Contest submissions.
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